Tuesday, October 2, 2007

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The Baseball Update

Breaking down the Sox-Angels series

Seems like last week the Sox were taking the Angels to the woodshed in the '04 ALDS highlighted by Papi's blast over the monster in the game 3 8-6 shootout). The Angels are constituted essentially the same. The Sox have a bit more team speed, arguably a better bullpen (Papelbon>Foulke and Delcarmen/Okie>Timlin/Embree), but about the same quality starting pitching. Since comparing stats is boring (and will lead to the inevitable conclusion that the Sox are deeper on offense, deeper in pitching and have had a more effective pen (BORING)), I'll break this down pictorially. Ugliest team wins.... (we're taking some liberties in projecting the lineups, especially with the Angels)

I note (after getting 2/3 of the way through here) the Ladies... did a nice summary of what they referred to as the Boston "hotties". I am taking the opposite view, that the Sox, through their ugliness and dirt-dogginess are bound to prevail.

Leading off:

Dustin Pedroia vs. Chone "don't call me Sean" Figgins

Pedroia has a weird pig nose thing going on, while Figgins looks like Bernie Williams. Classy always loses in the playoffs. Just ask Joaquin Andujar.

Advantage: Sox

In the "Two Hole":

Kevin Youkilis vs. Orlando "why the $#!@ didn't we re-sign him" Cabrera

Jeez, I don't care if he has a season-long "and then some" errorless streak going, Youk is a dead ringer for David Wells, except without the actual sweaty t-shirt pits. Meanwhile, look at O-Cab. Damn, but doesn't his smile just light up the room?

Big advantage: Sox

Hitting Third:

David Ortiz vs. Vlad Gurrero

I will only say that this is closer than you think. I think Vlad Guerrero was Arnold's taxi driver in Total Recall.

Still, Advantage: Sox

Cleaning up:

Man-Ram v. Professional Hitter Garret Anderson

Now who looks like the ballplayer here? Jeez, is it a new Sox uniform rule that every guy needs to look like a weekend slo-pitch beer league player?
Advantage: Sox

The Heart of the Order:

Mike "the Stud" Lowell vs. Casey "I hate my parents" Kotchman

Hey, I wanted it to be a sweep too. Not my fault Lowell is a stud. I would have pegged him for a Hanes, or maybe Joe Boxer guy though. Unsubstantiated rumor - Casey is shilling for Tinactin.

Advantage: Angels

The Soft Spot in the Lineup (if not in your heart):

J.D. "zzzz" Drew vs. Maicer "the other" Izturis
Drew is showing off his batting stance here. Except for balls in the dirt. He swings at those.

Maicer is a gamer. Not much more to add here.

75 million reasons why the advantage is: Sox

Jeez, only the 7th guy? I'm getting tired here:

Captain Angry vs. Kendry Morales

It's not clear whether Howie Kendrick will play 2B which would move Maicer to 3B, Figgins to the OF and Vlad to DH, so I'll go with Morales at DH for purpose of this lineup.

I guess I have to give it to the Captain. I mean, hell, he smiled for the camera for this shot. (No, really, that's Varitek at his most gregarious). Also: Kendry is a mouth-breather.

Advantage: Angels.

Coming round the bend....

Covelli Crisp vs. Jeff Mathis

Who the ^!%@ is Jeff Mathis? Even in my 16-team 23 MLB team roto league, I don't think he crossed my radar. Anyway, Oscar Gamble lite has this one in the bag (even though I couldn't find a pic that accurately depicts the growth coming out from under his helmet).

Slight advantage: Sox

Last, and Ugliest:

Julio "I'll cut you man" Lugo vs. Reggie Willits

O.k. I was very disappointed with the dearth of good Julio Lugo pics out there. Ideally I would have found one where he is staring at the pitcher, adjusting his cup and looking like is he ready to cut that mothaf****r up. Anyway, Julio wins by default, because I'm not sure who in the other picture is Reggie Willis.

Advantage: Sox

So, that makes it 7-2 Sox. Reasonable minds can differ, but if it is close, I present to you, the tie-breaker:

Seriously, I don't think Julian Tavarez is human.

Certain photos via bostondirtdogs.com and rallymonkey.com.

Taxes Update, Death Update and bonus football/hockey update to come.

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